5 Ways Gothamites Saved Themselves (and others)

Mason Richards.

I’ve been here before. Can’t not have been here before when in Gotham for twenty years. There are lots of roofs on Gotham and lots of bad guys, sometimes my friends from Bristol ask me why I don’t move. I laugh and tell them I enjoy the scenery.

Sure. Or maybe I’m just acclimatized to the atmosphere. Maybe I’ve been here so long that if the Riddler, Joker, and Two Face aren’t breaking out so that the Batman can break their asses, it’s not home.

Oh right. Here. That would be, specifically the Fifth Ave Gotham Center building, a straight shot two blocks to Wayne Towers. More specifically the roof. Where one (I believe he’s calling himself Aztec) creep is holding a kid above the roof, threatening to drop him. See how fast the Batman can catch.

I’ve seen the Batman catch. Sure I have. Plenty of times.

Well anyway, the Police are already here trying to talk the jackass down. Jackass, or Aztec or whatever he’s calling himself, isn’t going to and brandishes a stick that probably shoots out lightning or engine oil or whatever. The important thing is that he drops the kid.

Drops. The. Kid.

Even he looks surprised.

Not as surprised as me, however. Because I jump off after the little brat.


I. Sell. Shoes.

But like I said, it’s Gotham. And I’ve seen the Bat do this enough times, plus I smartly grabbed the bungee wire that the Jackaztec used to get up there in the first place.

It’s all instinct as I piston my body faster than the kid (which isn’t hard, my girlfriend says I need to lay off the fast food, so I drop like a rock), and wrap her up in my arms the second I get a chance. Kid’s slobbering all over me and, I’m just lucky someone had the common sense to grab us on the second tug before we got flung up to the roof again.

I’m sure the Batman could have pulled off that maneuver, but like I said, I sell shoes – and apparently jump off roofs after little kids.

The cops get the bad guy, who’s probably going to be shipped off to Arkham the second they get the chance. Good riddance. And the reporters. Well Batman doesn’t stay still for an interview, but I’m just trying to catch my breath and brain.

“That was amazing. An act of heroism. What is your name?” The reporter’s cute. Janice Hopper, I think. She usually does the weather.

“Mason.” I say and clutch my shoulder. It popped out of its socket, because like I said I sell shoes. “The kid gonna be okay?”

She’s clutching an ambulance worker, sobbing and shaking. Poor thing.

Janice is narrowing her eyes. Not real subtle for a reporter. “That was a smooth move. Most Gothamites wouldn’t have taken that kind of risk… do you have any relation to Batman?”

I laugh. “Lady, I’ve lived here since I was six. I’ve seen Batman, Robin, and the rest of them do it enough times to know how to jump off a roof.”

She doesn’t look like she believes me and purses her lips. “Yes, but at that height?” She points upwards.

I look up and see exactly how far I dropped. “Huh.”

I think the way my eyes roll back in my head and the noise my head makes hitting the ground, dispel any notion of me being Batman.

Andrea Fallows.

Most of the time the villains in Gotham are scary. Real scary.

But sometimes they’re morons.

Like sticking your feet on the floor of a theatre. Sure that’s poetic in ways, I appreciate the irony, but come on – all I have to do is take my feet out of my stuck-to-the-floor shoes and jump over the rest of the gunk.

Presto. Doesn’t take too long for people who actually know what they’re doing to figure it out too and join me. And hey, while the Royal Flush Gang has their moments, it’s not that scary when it’s five to eighty. Even if we all are barefoot.

I could swear Batman snorts when he finally shows up and I’m beating Ace with a chair (along with six other people, but still).

Eva Suarez.

After the Clench I carried a gas mask.

After the Earthquake I stored away bottled water and preserved food.

After No Man’s Land. I took a few self defense classes. Make that a lot.

I didn’t used to have to worry, after all Gotham’s scary, but so are my six older brothers.

After the Clench there were four.

After the Quake three.

After No Man’s Land, Rico’s all I got left and he’s still in a coma.

So I don’t understand why someone would try to mug me. In Gotham. On the way back to the hospital and not expect a taser in the ass.

What I didn’t know was that the guy had already mugged three people on the way to mugging me.

They were pretty pissed off too. I let them borrow the taser.

Mark House.

I’m a good swimmer. Did the triathlon a few times and spend my summers in Metropolis as a Life Guard. Practically live at the Gotham Center pool. I don’t know if I could like water more.

But nothing nothing has ever made me want to jump into the reservoir out of my own free will.

Unfortunately when three girls (one of them being my very clumsy sister) get jostled off while two crime lords are trying to fight it out, that’s all I can do.

I get them all to shore, because we weren’t that far away and I’ve had lots of practice.

I smell disgusting when we get out. I hope I don’t mutate and have to become a super villain.

One of the girls hugs me around the waist, while my sister screeches on the top of her lungs about slime. I can’t really blame her, but I kick her back in the water anyway.

Hey, she can swim.

Becca Sliehand.

I am not hyperventilating. I’m just trying to find my lunch in this paper bag, that’s empty. Right.

“You!” Big tall and gruesome says to me.

I have to ram my thighs together to not pee my pants. Why did I drink that extra soda on my break?

“Y-yes?” I whimper out, cursing myself for ever taking a job this close to Blackgate Penitentiary.

“Did you trip the silent alarm?” He comes in really close, his breath hovering over my face.

“I-I don’t even know where it is, it’s my first day.” I’m blabbering, and blubbering, and it’s just my luck that Mr. Ugly thinks that’s funny and decides to wrap his arm around me and hug me real close.

“Isn’t that sweet…” His breath smells like day old fish as he pulls me up to his face with ease.

I don’t know what makes me do it, maybe it’s the frustration or the fact that I really have to pee now and I am not going to pee my pants in front of Robin whenever he shows up, but I scratch Mr. Ugly’s eyes out.

I ruin the manicure that took an hour to do and one of them gets lodged in his eye, which is so completely gross that I throw up on him.

I don’t know how this could get worse, except for the fact that my pants are wet and I did pee my pants, while the security guard used the distraction to take the other guy down.

I crawl away to the bathroom. Lucky for me my boss thinks its modesty instead of abject humiliation. He promotes me the next day.

I quit the day after that.


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  1. * Angel Negra says:

    Man, this is still one of my favourite fics to re-read and to recc to anyone I can. I’ll admit though, I really miss the DVD commentary that went with this. It was like 5 little bonus stories that were just as awesome as the originals.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 8 months ago
    • * Mia says:

      Thank you so much, that makes me thrilled. This fic still holds a special place in my heart. I still have the DVD commentary here, I just didn’t move it to this site, because I prefer to keep the more finished pieces here.

      | Reply Posted 7 years, 8 months ago
      • * Angel Negra says:

        OMG! *saves that link* You are so awesome. ❤

        Posted 7 years, 8 months ago

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